The title of this post is powerful, which it should be. Life can change us, for the worst and the best. But sometimes up to you how life affects you, you can manipulate and shape yourself and your life to whatever end you choose, but it takes time and commitment.
My life has always been an uphill struggle, there have been obstacles I’ve welcomed, obstacles which have knocked me down, and some I didn’t realise were obstacles to begin with. I’ve lived and learnt a lot. I’ve spent time suspended in the void of depression and I’ve spent time making good choices for a better future.
A lot of my life I spent feeling truly alone, whether I was surrounded by friends, love, partners or happiness. I’ve always felt isolated and trapped inside of myself like nobody could hear me or help me. Until the beginning of this year, it was like my eyes had opened for the very first time and I could see everything clearly, instead of everything being tinted grey. I escaped situations which held me back, places that caused me distress and cut off people who weren’t healthy for me and I think that’s when I truly began to recover.
May 2019, I attempted to take my life, I had truly hit rock bottom, I lost my family, my partner, my home and was drowning in debt with no support system, my flat mate had gone away for the weekend, my friends had also gone away for the weekend and I remember messaging my mum, I didn’t tell her what headspace I was in, but I remember being in floods of tears and feeling truly alone. I think it was then I realised that life had changed me in the worst way, and I had allowed it to, I let every single thing get on top of me, someone I trusted over the years had taken pieces of me, isolated me in friend groups, drained me of every single thing that made me, me. So finally, I took the power back, I made my way back up from rock bottom and truly learned to care about myself, to love myself, I knew what I was worth and would accept anything less from anybody, or myself.
Of course, nothing happens over night and I struggled but this time I welcomed the struggles and obstacles, I learnt more about myself in the last year than I have in the twenty three years I’ve been alive, I took my meds, I asked for help, I contacted people when I needed them, I made life long friends, gave myself a fresh start, I started to make myself, myself again. I socialised, tried dating, found a home within people and physically. I grew my support network, I burnt down my old life to make way for a new one and really started to have faith in myself and it shows. You can see it in my aura, my eyes, my smile and even the way I talk. The fire lit inside of me.
I’ve never been an easy person, anyone who knows me will tell you. I’m rough around the edges, flawed, blunt, but I’m also fiercely passionate about those I love, completely loyal, spontaneous and I am my own success story. I am proof you can claw your way up when you’re drowning. Its the small things too, I can keep my plants alive, I can express myself clearly, I know what I want, I can take care of myself too! I can do anything I put my mind to.
January this year it was like the biggest weight had lifted off my chest, the chains that once restrained me disappeared and I was truly free. After trying to take my life last year, I wrote a list of one hundred things I wanted to complete, so far I’ve crossed fifty thing off of my list. FIFTY.
I still struggle with my illnesses, but instead of scolding myself for being ill, I’m working alongside them and maintaining them. I no longer feel the need to please everybody, or take part in what felt like the race of life, when my friends are getting married and having children, I celebrate for them instead of trying to catch up. I’m in my own race against myself, completing my degree, making relationships with others, I am accepting of my own boundaries.
So, my point about life changing us? It definitely holds true, but how much it changes you and how is really up to you in most situations. You can make the best of a shit situation or you can let it slowly kill parts of your soul. When its left up to you, what would you decide?
Self care is one of the biggest feats, the amount of time and commitment it takes to love yourself and learn that self care is acceptable, well put it this way, it takes a damn long time. The learning part never stops though, self discovery and self love is one of the biggest achievements for me in the past year. I know when to stop, I know when to take time and invest time. I can finally say it. I’m happy.
My uni work is going so well, every single assignment I get higher and higher grades, I have my family and friends around me almost all of the time, my heart feels so full. I have my down days, sure, but not everyday is dark now. I don’t see in black and white anymore, I see in blinding colour and I’m so fucking proud of myself.
So, what do you want to do tomorrow? Why not make a change? You’ll feel the difference.
I guess that’s all for now, thanks for being here.
Love and light