I was in a relationship with someone who often wasn’t my equal partner, nor were they supportive of me, someone who made me feel very isolated in the relationship, made me feel like a problem. But I owe this person a lot. They were beside me through a lot of things, they made allowances for some awful behaviour, they were there some instances when I needed the support, they loved me when I couldn’t love myself.
But the relationship crippled me. Financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It wasn’t compatible and I tried for a long time to believe the good in this person was overwhelming and constantly there shining through when I was treated badly. But the truth is there was no excuse for me.
This relationship helped me to grow, showed me to be compassionate to myself and to others more often. It showed me I was worth more from the beginning and the few smiles didn’t change the constant cheating, flirting, gaslighting, being forced to constantly financially support someone, making you work 3 jobs while having a mental break down and finally completely breaking down and having to stop working. To the point I could not even look after myself.
This person took my home, my financial stability, abused my trust, took my body from me, my control over my life. I was manipulated, and abused. That’s not to say I didn’t partake in my part of toxic behaviour, which I did, and some of which was down to the fact I was angry at the world, I wanted more for us, for myself in my future and I wanted to work towards that. I did things wrong, a lot, hurled abuse often, was constantly insecure and struggled to find myself after I was diagnosed with multiple mental illness.
But it was my choice. I trapped and crippled myself because I lived with blinders on, because I truly believed this person didn’t intend to hurt and manipulate me the way they did. They were compulsive at lying, continually gaslighting me, refusing to listen to my boundaries and encouraged me to respect theirs instead.
This person continually told me after we broke up, when they cheated on me that they regretted what they had done, and i was straight back into the web of lies, for nearly 10 months, I was filled with false promises, given constant mixed signals but told that they ‘didn’t want to give me mixed signals’ and eventually after accepting the situation I was in, all I asked for was their honesty. Even then, they didn’t think I deserved that.
For years, I trapped myself with a partner who never wanted to be an asset to me, to support and grow with me and to reach out full potential, instead I was stuck with the hope that this person would become that, I was in love with them sure, but I was more in love with the idea of them.
The past few weeks gave shown me how clouded my judgement was, and that from day 1, I should have listened to everyone around me, I should have seen them for who they really were.
Yes, there was good memories, some really good memories, and some fucking awful memories, when I found out they’d cheated, which ended our relationship (although technically they’d cheated previously) I constantly blamed myself, I was constantly trying to FIX me, but I didn’t need fixing.
I didn’t need the head fucking, the guilting into things, feeling forced to take all of the financial responsibility for the home we both lived in, they didn’t deserve the kindness I showed them for ten months post breakup, the constant financial support, emotional support, a body to fuck when they needed it, they didn’t deserve me lending them things when they needed them, for them to be withheld and not given back.
Years of constant lying, cheating, isolation financial abuse, etc etc. I deserved more. I deserve more.
Looking back in the times I nearly died within those years, looking back at the breakdowns and crisis that took place, I deserved more, and had I have had more, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have broken so much.
I caved under the pressure of supporting not only myself, when I was mentally and physically fragile but also supporting a whole other adult who was fully capable of doing that for themselves. I fully believed this person had my best interests at heart, but looking back, there was never any evidence of that. They wanted what was best for them, they were selfish, materialistic and manipulative. Even in the last months, December? I had a mini break down and my feelings were completely invalidated continually, the only time this person listened to me, was when they wanted to fuck me. Because in the end that’s all I was, a sexual release. Once again, I was used.
I cried down the phone to my parents last year multiple times when this person decided I was due my monthly ‘fuck Ashleigh over’ I continually asked them and my friends ‘why me’ but I think the answer is simple. It’s not just me. It’s everyone they ever love, touch, choose as friends, family.
It’s narcissism, it runs in their veins, all of them. Except you don’t see it when you’re in love with them.
So to my first true love, and my first narcissist, I’m sorry I grew when we were apart, I’m sorry I healed when you tried to damage me, I’m sorry I found a way to find my independence again, I’m sorry you realised you couldn’t manipulate me anymore, but mostly? I just feel sorry for you.
It wasn’t all bad, but once you knew the control you had, you used me until you used me up. But more fool you, I’ve started university, I’m moving, I’m dating, I have an amazing group of friends, my anxiety has shrunk, my bpd is constantly more level and I have my fucking life back, so I guess thank you as well.