As much as I’d like to be able to write this blog post with absolute certainty about who I am, I actually haven’t figured it out yet and in all honesty, I might never get there, but that’s okay!
I’m Ash, I love music of all kinds, I’m a qualified chef, carer and I love to colour. However there is a much darker side to me, or a much darker self which is inside of me. Which is something I have to battle daily just to function.
From quiet a young age I was filled with this darkness, this rage and unhappiness and I honestly didn’t understand it at all, which of course I wallowed in it, I used it as a weapon and I didn’t know after a while how to switch it off.
I punished myself in every way I could and I was an outcast and I made sure I never fit anywhere, especially at school. I acted out in anger and violence at home. I self harmed, smoked, took drugs. I stole, I hurt my friends and family and I also attempted suicide. Believe me, I’m not proud of these things but they will forever be a part of me and they helped me understand myself better, they allowed me to cope at a time where I couldn’t and I was unaware there were other resources and coping mechanisms out there.
The one thing about my past I do regret, deeply, is the damage I did to my family, especially my mum. We would have horrendous arguments at home all the time in my teen years and honestly, she did her very best in every single way to help guide me and support me and in return I pushed them away and eventually one day I didn’t know how to pull them back and I’m still struggling after salvaging the little relationship we had left, but we’re managing to build on it.
However they still support me the best they can and without them I wouldn’t have been able to make countless medical appointments where I received my official diagnosis and began treatment, as well as so many other things. I am so thankful for my family and everything they have done for me, they are fucking amazing.
I have borderline personality disorder, generalised anxiety, depression and chronic pain. These are my diagnoses, however in the last few months I’ve come to learn that these don’t define me. Yes I know, it’s easy to say that out loud to somebody but, its a complete other thing to fully believe it but I’m getting there. I’m learning that I am not my diagnosis.
I’m now at a point where I think I’m able like to share my experiences with help those who are struggling and maybe even in the same position I was. I want to use this blog to help guide those who need it, offer support and resources and the main thing, to let them know they are not alone, nor will they ever be.
So, I welcome you to my blog and my journey.