My Diagnosis

'Whats the most important thing you've done this year?' 'Survived'

Borderline personality and I have a very strange relationship, we don’t often see eye to eye. Nor do we feel comfortable in the presence of one another, however we attempt to be civil.

I received my official diagnoses of BPD a year ago; however it was a battle to get there. I knew I had a mental illness for almost ten years prior to actually being admitted to any adult mental health service. I had actually researched about mental illness as a whole for some time, and studied psychology in sixth form.

I remember seeing my first psychiatrist through the Crisis Team, he diagnosed me in ten minutes with Recurrent Depressive Disorder. Which I found strange, however couldn’t question him, as I was quite honestly intimidated by the man, and I was also severely anxious, I felt like I was trapped inside of my own head and unable to speak at all.

So I took the diagnosis away with me, and was offered support under the Home Treatment Team, as well as give Diazepam to sedate me for a month or so, with support workers coming to observe me every day to begin with, which soon turned into a few times a week. Unfortunately diazepam sends me into mania, and I was quite literally off my tits. I was also taking Duloxetine which I had been taking for two years at this point.

All of these medications were monitored and given to me a week at a time, so if I did attempt to end my life, I wouldn’t have a mass amount of medication. However, had I have wanted to end my life, like I had told the mental heath team, I had stock piled months of medication and hadn’t planned on getting rid of it.

Obviously I was unhappy with my diagnosis so I kept questioning the support workers who came round, asking why I had been given Recurrent Depressive Disorder as a diagnosis, I explained to a number of them I didn’t think it was right and I would like to see another psychiatrist. Eventually one person out of their team listened to me, turns out the woman who listened actually knows my dad, which might be why. Who knows.

I had to wait a month or two for another appointment, and I asked my dad to come along with me. Immediately I felt more comfortable with this psychiatrist and I raised my concerns about the diagnosis I had been given, I explained to him that I know quite a lot about mental illness and I thought I had borderline personality disorder. He nodded and we discussed events in my past and agreed with me.

You might be asking, how did you know the diagnosis originally given was wrong? Well, recurrent depressive disorder is when you have had at least two different episodes of depression, and I was stuck in a constant depression with rapid cycling moods, I knew I had heightened emotions, as well as episodes where I would split and I had a love/hate issue with certain people. I looked at the two mental illnesses and for some reason recurrent depressive disorder didn’t seem right to me at all.

There were so many unexplained issues I was dealing with. In fact, receiving the initial diagnosis made me even more depressed, because I didn’t feel like I was listened to, I felt like he had looked at the medications I was currently on and made a split second decision, it also made me feel like I was unimportant, and I would just be discharged

However, walking out of the second appointment with Borderline Personality Disorder as my diagnoses it was like the penny had dropped, the missing puzzle piece was found and slotted in. I felt whole, as stupid as that might sound for some, I was over the moon. I expected that now I had a diagnosis I could get the correct treatment suited to my illness, however I was referred to the Community Mental Health Team, I saw a lady once a month about my mental state, where she offered me a number of services and got my hopes up about getting help, with things like family and couples counselling support groups and what not.

She later admitted to me, she couldn’t actually offer or provide any of these services; she wanted me to attend a group therapy group. I instantly explained I didn’t do well in group environments and she looked at me with no expression and explained there was nothing else. I either accepted this, or I would have nothing. I also repeatedly asked for a medication review (I actually asked for this for nine months and only saw this woman for 4 months) as I was still struggling, badly with my mental state. She kept insisting she had requested for a review and referred me onto group therapy.

I received a letter to attend STEPPS a group therapy purposely for those with BPD, I fell into a massive financial crisis, (which those of you who follow me on twitter is still an issue) and I was unable to make 5 out of 9 sessions due to transport costs, I had asked for help from the Mental Health team and was promised some transport to assist me, however as you can probably already guess, that did not happen.

In fact, I was asked to leave STEPPS as I missed so many sessions also because I was passive aggressive and disruptive. Which I explained was due to hypersensitivity, I would listen to music in one ear, or scroll through my phone just to be doing something so I could concentrate on the session.

I did however notice, anybody who questioned what we were being told, or shared experiences, was also asked to leave. I obviously took this whole experience as a huge rejection and left the meeting crying my eyes out, because I was left with no support.

About a month later, I saw the psychiatrist (finally!) and was prescribed new drugs, Quetiapine. Which I am currently taking now, and honestly? I kind of hate it, I am constantly tired and low functioning, however I am more stable and sometimes find it easier to control myself. But saying that, I am also struggling with my mental health deteriorating quite a lot in a short space of time, which has resulted in me being signed off from work until July, which is a bummer.

But due to how my mental health is and my physical health at the moment, I need to take time for myself, to learn to function again, to learn to love myself again and then hopefully, I’ll be able to go back to work.

10 thoughts on “My Diagnosis

  1. This has actually led me to question my own diagnosis as I have experienced similar feelings (constant depression opposed to little periods, rapid mood changes or cycles in moods etc). You have encouraged me to look more into this and perhaps question my own therapist on Monday during our session.

    Again thank you for this blog. I do appreciate what you are doing and I do enjoy reading what you write.


    1. I’m glad it’s been useful for you, and I hope you get the correct diagnosis soon. It’s a hard journey to get there for most people, myself included but I hope you do get there. Let me know how you get on if you want too.

      Thank you for your feedback, it’s good to know people are enjoying it!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry this has been your experience too – I also had to fight for my diagnosis, after being repeatedly diagnosed with depression and anxiety, 10 years later I finally got diagnosed with BPD and got access to the right treatment. Sending love and good vibes!


    1. My doctor was very similar, I was put on medication and he told me it was depression and anxiety. That was it. I was referred to CBT in my teen years but couldn’t make my own phone calls and my mum refused to. So therefore didn’t get any help. It was hard. Thank you for reading, I’m sorry you can also relate. Sending you love and light!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being here! 🙂

    Quick question, when do you take your quetiapine? I take 150mg once every evening, 20 mins before I want to be asleep. I read while I wait for it to kick in and I’m always asleep after half an hour tops. It stops the paranoid thoughts that used to keep me up at night, stops me hearing and seeing things that apparently aren’t real, and knocks me out for a solid 7/8 hours. I get so much worse if I don’t sleep and quetiapine guarantees me that sleep that I so desperately need. Since I’m now banned from being prescribed benzos, it’s been a godsend. But I know that if I took it in the morning or afternoon I would feel like a zombie and barely function. Just wondering if it might help you to take it before bed instead of during the day, but perhaps you already do and it’s just not the right anti-psych for you. Might be worth talking to your CPN or psychiatrist about it (if you ever manage to get an appointment, that is!) I’ve been in the system far too long, please excuse my cynicism.
    Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. from what I’ve been told there is two times of quetiapine, I take the fast release? I believe so therefore take it before bed. I’m now on mirtazapine as well, both make me so sleepy! I feel like I’m missing out on life. but they do help. I take all of my meds at 11pm every day, but I still struggle to get to sleep, I’m fine once asleep however.

      it’s definitely something I need to discuss with my psych, I can’t carry on being this sleepy.

      I’m trying to weigh out pros and cons, overall it is the best med I’ve ever had, it’s managed to keep me really stable in comparison to what I was on. maybe I just need another medication to help it along x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes I’d hate for you to feel that you’re sleeping your life away. I was like that once and it was ridiculous.

        It can take years of this bollocks, but you’ve just got to keep trying all these different med combinations until you find the combo that makes you feel the least shit. But the more meds you’re on, the more difficult it is to figure out which med is responsible for which effect/side effect. Then they give you another med to counter that side effect. And then that new med has its own side effects! Then you end up on 22 tablets a day and you’re just as bad as you were when you started and feel so fucking hopeless.

        Remember that they might be “experts” and have a framed degree on the wall, but only you know your body and your feelings and what works and what doesn’t. Be brave, be persistent. Stand up for yourself because you deserve to be heard. You got this. ❤ ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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